Some years ago I was slogging my way back down the Pacific Coast Highway on my bike, munching my banana and minding my own busines. When I passed a row of art galleries in Santa Monica, CA, I happened to spot a curly-headed guy coming out of one of the galleries. He still looked pretty trim, although the hairline was starting to recede a bit even back then.

Could that be John McEnroe? I asked myself. Sure looks like him. But what the hell would Johnny Mac be doing in an art gallery, for God’s sake? If he didn’t have a racquet in his hand, he would more likely be holding an electric guitar anyway, or exiting a nightclub. Nah, that can’t be Mac. He was carrying a couple of paintings, which he rather casually plopped in the back seat of his sports car.

A few weeks later, my boyfriend points out a New York Times article on McEnroe, and his fascination and growing knowledge of the art world. Really interesting stuff. Turns out Mac had started his own art gallery on Greene Street. Damn, I said. So that guy WAS John McEnroe.

And I missed my chance to nail his ass! How many times have we said to ourselves, “Boy, would I like to utter a great quip to HIM.” One of the leading MotorMouths of our time.

I thought we should take a stab at rectifying that situation, don’t you? So with this column, I propose a Top Ten Quip List to bedevil the wily shotmaker himself. It might go something like this…

A TOP TEN QUIP LIST FOR JOHN MCENROE

10. “Hey, what d’ya mean, chalk flew up you moron!”

9. “You and that Swedish guy, come on now, you were really queer for each other, weren’t you?”

8. “So John, what were you thinking of with that cable show?”

7. “Great second serve, John….no, not the racket, your WIFE, babyface.”

6. “Oh my God, he IS serious!”

5. “Hey, at least Tatum didn’t have to hunt you down in Europe for child support.”

4. “Whatever you do, John, don’t let your kids grow up to be two-handed backhanders. Umpiring is a noble line of work, right?”

3. “Oh my God, it’s….it’s….BOHDAN ULIHRACH!”

For the truly creative among you, I have saved the last two spots on the team for you, Dear Readers, to add your own insults to the heap.

2.

1.

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This week the men’s tour has landed in Washington, D.C., for the Legg Mason Classic. Today’s quarterfinal match featured Andy Roddick against that humongous pituitary case, Ivo Karlovic of Croatia. All 6’10” worth. Size 18 shoes. Yes, I’m eating my heart out over that one. The announcers in the booth did a slowmo analysis of Ivo’s serve. It’s a wonderfully smooth, powerful serve, and by the time he makes contact with the ball, we’re talking about ten feet off the ground. For the other guys on the tour, it must appear that Karlovic is serving from the treetops. Or so Brad Gilbert described it.

That serve nearly carried the day for Karlovic. It had to, the temperature on court was around 100 degrees, with the usual heavy humidity of Washington at this time of year. Karlovic was not raised in a hot climate like Andy Roddick, and he suffered for that. He was counting on his serve, and it nearly pulled him through. The guy looked like he was about to croak though, like the woman in the stands who was stretched out on the benches, being fanned after she passed out.

Both guys came out ready to serve at least, if not to play. There were hardly any rallies today. It was just too exhausting to maintain them in this heat. They wanted to end the points as fast as possible. If you took a bathroom break, yawned, or maybe even blinked, you would have missed a lot. It was that kind of match.

Both guys held serve into the first set tiebreak. Karlovic was serving at 80% through the first set, Roddick was at 69%. They traded breaks, then Karlovic caught a lucky moment when Andy let down just a fraction. He double-faulted, giving the first set to the Croat. That should have inspired big Ivo, but instead he kind of melted down in several changes of shirts. Andy hung on, and his superior conditioning eventually carried him to the victory. Lately Andy Roddick has played (and lost) a number of matches that turned on a few dimes here and there. He’s had to keep his cool and mentally try and fight back from those little lapses in his attention. Today was such a day, and he managed to do that, winning in three sets, 6-7(7), 7-5, 6-4.

The American boys are performing well here this week. Roddick, along with James Blake and Bobby Reynolds, have made it into the quarterfinals. Who would of thunk it.

The match today was also of interest because of some of the commentary, particularly when former pro Donald Dell dropped by the booth. Brad Gilbert and Cliff Drysdale asked him, if you could change something about tennis today to make it better…..

And Dell replied that players pulling out of tournaments just before they start is killing the game. This week in Los Angeles a host of women players did just that, as have the men at the Washington event. Something probably has to give here, on the one hand the players complain that the season is too long. On the other hand, the tournament directors complain when players don’t show up. Both sides probably need to devise a middle ground here. Between Greed And Exhaustion, I guess we can call this movie.

Brad Gilbert’s peeve about the game was that the plans to start electronic line calls are now delayed for the U.S. Open and some of the tournaments leading up to it. Apparently the Powers That Be don’t feel the system has been quite perfected enough.

Hhmm. Most unfortunate. Guess we have another wretched summer to look forward to of imperfect human beings calling those lines.

The first week’s play at Wimbledon wound down Saturday evening, amid cooler temperatures and cloudy skies.

In my last posting I made winning predictions for Rafael Nadal and Marat Safin. Both are now gone. So let me say first off, bring forth to me more fine players, yea, that I may jinx them too!
Both men lost to players they should have beaten. Nadal is pretty new to grass, and was not expected to go far. Safin though had been playing well in the first two rounds. But in Feliciano Lopez he ran across a guy who is actually comfortable on grass, for a Spaniard. Safin could just not find a comfort level he could play in to beat the lefty Lopez. He had a good run though this year, and should be feeling better now about playing on grass in the future. At least he kept his cool.

The top guys kept moving through the draw. Roger Federer donated his first set of the tournament to Nicholas Kiefer, but then recovered to beat him rather easily in four sets. Andy Roddick gets crisper and sharper with each round. He looks like he intends to make that final. So let me stick my head out of the foxhole yet again and predict that it will be Roger and Andy in the final, and Roger will win it all. He is not as picture perfect yet as he could be, but he will probably peak at just the right time.

The British public were collectively gnashing their bad teeth over the performance of Tim Henman. They already had him dead and buried practically before he walked off the court after losing to the Russian Tursunov. But a new hope has arisen in the person of teenager Andy Murray, an energetic player who should have a good future on grass here. It doesn’t matter that he is actually Scottish, the Brits will take him anyway. They have tended to adopt that sometime Brit Greg Rusedski, and would even get behind a guy like Alexander Popp, whose heritage is mixed German/British. The Brits are that desperate for a new god, so that they may pick him to pieces in coming years. I would advise the kid’s parents though to think about sending their child to some fine American tennis family, or perhaps a Spanish one, so that he can grow up outside of the spotlight of the British public, which tends to scrutinize their athletes to death. They do tend to eat their young, those Brits. Andy enjoyed a good run, and was up two sets on David Nalbandian. But even teenagers run out of steam, apparently, as the Argentine came back to win in five sets.

The hot story over the weekend on the women’s side of the world was all about the upcoming confrontation of Venus and Serena Williams. But oldtimer Jill Craybas probably said enough of all THAT talk, and decided to celebrate her 31st birthday (on July 4th) a little early. She beat Serena in straight sets. Craybas is a tiny little squeak at 5’3″, but she is as fit as a fiddle. She used that weapon to run Serena from side to side, and basically made Serena play her game. As Mary Jo Fernandez pointed out in the booth, she forced Serena to become tentative in her movement, and it carried over to her being tentative on her groundstrokes.

Serena probably needs now, in addition to healing her body, to ask why she so stubbornly persisted in playing at Wimbledon. Her father Richard was quite vocal that she should not have stepped onboard the airplane. Her ankle and knee were both bothering her throughout her matches, and on top of that she contracted flu. Sometimes as an athlete you need to power yourself through difficult patches. Sometimes though you just need to know when to turn that power off. Serena kept persisting though. Hopefully she can make better choices in the future. She is still a superwoman, but she needs to realize she is not the only one out there now, and listen to her body better in the future even if she is not going to heed the advice of her dad.

Well, now for the dicey stuff. More predictions!

On the men’s side, Roger Federer will most likely beat Juan Carlos Ferrero in three sets. Ferrero has had long matches throughout, it feels like a struggle for him. But I for one am happy to see him back and playing pretty good on his least favorite surface. “Gonzo” Gonzalez of Chile will beat back the Russian Youzhny, Tursunov will upset Grosjean, Roddick will send Coria hustling back to clay, Max Mirnyi will serve his way past Thomas Johansson, Nalbandian will win fairly easily over Richard Gasquet; Hewitt will make a big dent in Dent, and Lopez will upset Ancic.

The Women: Lindsay will have a routine victory over Clijsters (you see, I really DO like Davenport’s chances); Kuznetsova will punish Maggie Maleeva, likewise Mauresmo over Likhovtseva; Myskina will lose a tight three-setter to Dementieva; the surprising Mary Pierce will crush Pennetta, as will Petrova over Peschke and Sharapova over the Frenchwoman Dechy.
And finally, Venus Williams will revenge Serena’s loss to Jill Craybas.

Dark Horses: Mad Max Mirnyi of Belarus, by way of Brighton Beach, and Venus Williams.

So shoot me.

So the tennis roadshow has shifted from the red clay of Roland Garros at the French Open, just two weeks ago, to the doom and gloom of grass at Wimbledon.

Well, maybe not quite doom and gloom. Actually the weather in London has been quite remarkable, in the 70s and 80s, a veritable heatwave for them. Monday the temperature was 92, the hottest it has been in 28 years. Friday they may get some rain, but so far the weather has been cooperating, and the load of early matches are getting finished. The courts apparently bounce higher and harder when the weather is warm, and the big servers are loving life.

Suddenly we see players who come out mainly for this tournament, people like Greg Rusedski and Mark Philippoussis. Mario Ancic and Joachim Johansson can also pound big serves, and they should work their way further into the draw.

The first man to fall by the wayside was Maria Sharapova’s stalker. He was identified before the tournament started and banned from the grounds. More will follow, we can be sure. Especially if Maria keeps doing those sexy commercials where she magically pulls a camera from out of her underwear. Maria claimed not to even notice the guy, probably true. She is surrounded by so many people now, only some of them bodyguard types, she probably doesn’t know who is part of her retinue and who isn’t. As long as she can identify the girl on the other side of the net.

The shift from clay to grass in such a short space of time ushers in a whole new crowd of grass court specialists, and ushers out the clay court people who barely bother to cross the Channel. The Spaniards generally do not like Wimbledon. Carlos Moya made an appearance last year, but generally before that he usually found reasons to pull out. This year it was his shoulder (legitimate though). Tommy Robredo, the 13th seed, should have gotten through the first round, but he didn’t. But Juan Carlos Ferrero is here, trying to rebuild a career sapped by injuries and inconsistency the last couple of years. He does not make it easy on himself though, his first two matches have gone the distance.

Mariano Puerta, the finalist at the French, at least bothered to show up. He had to tear himself away from the festivities held in his honor back in Argentina, so give him an “A” for effort. He knew he wouldn’t last long though, his long strokes and baseline play are perfect for clay, totally impractical on grass. Bergsmuller took him out in the first round in three sets.

THE GUYS WHO LOOK GOOD

Marat Safin has been very impressive. For some reason this year he seems to feel a lot better about playing on grass. Before that, he used to echo Marcelo Rios of Chile, who liked to say that “grass is for cows.” Winning can do that to a boy’s mind. And Safin has been winning easily, in straight sets, with efficiency and a business-like attitude. Drama free. Let me stick my neck out now and say that the men’s semi here will feature Safin and Federer, and Safin may upset the Fed Man as he did at the Australian Open earlier this year. After that match, I wrote that Marat is the one guy who will consistently be able to bother Roger, he has the power and the game to do it. On more surfaces than Rafael Nadal.

Roger and Andy Roddick have moved easily through their matches. Roger exudes confidence, he fully expects to win this. After all, as McEnroe said, the man has the game of God. Roddick could meet Nadal in the other semi, I think he can beat Nadal on grass.

Lleyton Hewitt will face Safin in the quarters, and I expect Safin will prevail. Hewitt apparently criticized the seedings at Wimbledon, why I am not sure. He is ranked #3, Roddick is ahead of him and Roger is on top. Does he think he should be ranked ahead of Roddick? Beats me. Maybe impending fatherhood is making him uptight. His kid will pop out of the womb with a clenched fist, no doubt, and a hail and hearty “Come on!”

Rafael Nadal is playing better on grass than I thought he would. He actually went out in the first round of one of the tune-up events on grass, so I did not think he would fare well here. Mary Jo Fernandez and Brad Gilbert, in their commentary, were debating the merits of Nadal playing doubles here too, as he did at the French. Mary Jo thinks it will help his volleying, but I tend to agree with Gilbert. It’s a lot of energy expended over a long two weeks. Why not just have a good half hour of net practice in lieu of running around on a doubles court for best of five sets? But hey, that’s a 60-year-old body talking versus a 19-year-old’s.

THE WOMEN

Lindsay Davenport looks awesome. And as lean as we have seen her. I think she is going to win it all.

The only major shock of the tournament so far was Justine Henin-Hardenne going out in her opening round to Eleni Daniilidou, of Greece. And in a way it really was not such a big surprise. Maybe Justine read that article in the New York Times the other day, about how all the top girls in tennis now are nearly six feet tall. Justine is barely 5’6″. The day of the Little People in tennis may be nearly over, now you really need that height and those levers that go with it. I feel sorry about this, but it seems inevitable. I like seeing Justine play, she has a beautiful, complete game. In a way, she did what Martina Hingis could have done: build up her body with more muscle, get more pop on her serves, hit out with more power and develop even more speed. Justine loves to train. Martina was never the grunt though that the Belgian is.

But that may be part of the problem Justine faced with Daniilidou, a very tall, powerful player whose game resembles Amelie Mauresmo’s. Justine did not play any tournaments on grass leading up to Wimbledon. She was nervous about her endurance, obviously, and did not want to play herself into the ground.

But then the draw came out, she saw who she was facing in the opening round, and she probably regretted that decision. This could be the breakthrough tournament Eleni Daniilidou’s career has needed, she has a lot of power, a great serve and all the shots. Now with that she has the confidence that comes from beating one of the tournament favorites on the women’s side.

Power on through, boys and girls.