Some years ago I was slogging my way back down the Pacific Coast Highway on my bike, munching my banana and minding my own busines. When I passed a row of art galleries in Santa Monica, CA, I happened to spot a curly-headed guy coming out of one of the galleries. He still looked pretty trim, although the hairline was starting to recede a bit even back then.

Could that be John McEnroe? I asked myself. Sure looks like him. But what the hell would Johnny Mac be doing in an art gallery, for God’s sake? If he didn’t have a racquet in his hand, he would more likely be holding an electric guitar anyway, or exiting a nightclub. Nah, that can’t be Mac. He was carrying a couple of paintings, which he rather casually plopped in the back seat of his sports car.

A few weeks later, my boyfriend points out a New York Times article on McEnroe, and his fascination and growing knowledge of the art world. Really interesting stuff. Turns out Mac had started his own art gallery on Greene Street. Damn, I said. So that guy WAS John McEnroe.

And I missed my chance to nail his ass! How many times have we said to ourselves, “Boy, would I like to utter a great quip to HIM.” One of the leading MotorMouths of our time.

I thought we should take a stab at rectifying that situation, don’t you? So with this column, I propose a Top Ten Quip List to bedevil the wily shotmaker himself. It might go something like this…

A TOP TEN QUIP LIST FOR JOHN MCENROE

10. “Hey, what d’ya mean, chalk flew up you moron!”

9. “You and that Swedish guy, come on now, you were really queer for each other, weren’t you?”

8. “So John, what were you thinking of with that cable show?”

7. “Great second serve, John….no, not the racket, your WIFE, babyface.”

6. “Oh my God, he IS serious!”

5. “Hey, at least Tatum didn’t have to hunt you down in Europe for child support.”

4. “Whatever you do, John, don’t let your kids grow up to be two-handed backhanders. Umpiring is a noble line of work, right?”

3. “Oh my God, it’s….it’s….BOHDAN ULIHRACH!”

For the truly creative among you, I have saved the last two spots on the team for you, Dear Readers, to add your own insults to the heap.

2.

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