My braided essay about working with refugees in Greece and the death of my oldest and dearest friend appears on entropymag.org. Entropy is a large, wonderful writers community which includes the publisher Civil Coping Mechanisms, check it out.
it has always been so and will always be so. i was never born and will never die. there is no such thing as a beginning, there is no such thing as an ending. and my name will remain as it is forever.
there are different sized infinities. to an ant, the yard is an infinity. to a child, the house is an infinity. to a serpent the amazon is an infinity. therefore, i may be wrong. there may be a beginning and, possibly, an end, but it is so far beyond my perception that it may as well not exist. and so i will sleep as blisslessly as possible into the unknown until the monster floats to the surface and bites me again and i am faced with annihilation. usually, though, all it takes is a gift. i turn round, smile, and give the big baby a gift, and we are all good until the next time.
ball bearings. he used to hold ball bearings in his hand then doze off until he let go of the bearings and they clattered to the floor waking him up. does that mean he remained in a diffuse state of mind? does that mean he reached the twilight between the focused tunnel vision mind and the broad diffuse open mind – the one where problems are solved in our absence? and if it is the latter, how did he stay there? what is the trick for staying there because that is what i really need. and is that what happens when you don’t look at the screen when writing. no, that is the editor, only the inner editor. the one who scribbles lines through entire sections of my manuscript. and how well does it know me if it takes out those parts most important to me. how much is that, i mean, maybe it is correct. maybe i am mistaken, again, and it sees what i want to write. that what it has left is what is under the the pond i built when i didn’t know. is it because i am blind or is it because i am showing more than i imagine. i hope it is the last of these two.
consciousness, no punctuation, a wild horse who, for some reason, raises one foreleg higher than the other but looks absolutely beautiful in her movement gliding across the plains of the clues. but here is where i get off track, here is where i begin to try. surrealists can be fascists right? and by the way, drop the need to come to an ending. i guarantee surrealists could give a shit about endings, about tying everything up. and here i am off on a thought again and i can see how thoughts interfere with writing. slowing down helps so much. i speed up whenever i’m in the throes of a thought and that derails my journey. trump’s hair. it’s on fire at times and other times it’s a sand castle waiting to be washed away but that will not happen. you cannot catch something which is not a solid body, you can only trace its decay.
Actually, I think the bot should have three eyes with one as a bindi. Definitely silicone if you can’t buy some real skin somewhere. I suppose it could serve to get rid of my ant infestation if it had a bunch of insectoid legs. I am currently sitting in a cafe because, even though they say they can, whenever an exterminator turns up they always recommend the toxic stuff instead of the environmental stuff so I can’t go home for a minimum of four hours. No prob, I’ll go to a sports bar (can the bot have a tv for a third eye?) and watch Peyton Manning play. Though suddenly, meaning since the end of last season, he can’t hit the broadside of a barn. I suppose it doesn’t help that he can’t feel his fingertips sincehe had those four neck surgeries but then he did win an MVP w/o his fingertips so this must be another passing in my life and an important one. I need a new sports hero. Or maybe I don’t, but there will be grieving I assure you.
Image credit: Willam vanRiper
yes yes yes to paddling down the amazon river and wading in through a maze of vines and bugs and, now and then, a panther, and looking into the panther’s eyes and then you wake up from the dream and light is streaming out of your eyes and so you cannot see, but you are thrilled, it is such a magnificent experience, and how many people ever, in their entire set of lifetimes, have this experience? is this yet another way in which you are privileged or does this mean that some tiny bit of spirituality remains from the ancient tribal practices which are guaranteed to be gone by the time you die? you will never know, i most certainly do not know, but you will follow this path further until, one day, you die, and i am left certain, absolutely certain, that you barely missed the passage from this place to the next, you welcomed it, wanted it, knew that it would happen, and that brings me some small bit of peace because i miss you so desperately.
how can i have a near death experience
neen, they are near death experiences
because you don’t die
you only die nearly
yeah, but what if the car accident
decapitates me instead of just
nearly killing me
oh, well, how about night school?
yes, a dream
can you come into my dreams and do that?
maybe not but I can send someone who can
well, as you know,
they’re not someones, really
no bodies right?
they’re typically a group of spirits
and it helps to have a name
so how about Melissa?
i knew a Melissa once
and everything i ever
said was wrong
i just couldn’t do anything
right around her
this will be different
how do you know “them”?
they’ve been teaching me,
dispel my body
disassociate my sense of oneness
egos are hard to give up huh?
yes they are
what kind of near death would you like?
not a car accident
what about if a tree falls
and it knocks me out
but all i get is a concussion?
that doesn’t qualify as a
near death experience
one of the scary clown faces
shoots me in the ribs
it just misses my heart
and passes all the way through me
you got it
I’ll send in your order.
please make yourself available
shouldn’t be difficult
This video is part of the Voluble Orlando project responding to the Orlando Pulse shooting.On June 12, 2016. A single shooter killed 49 people and injured 58 others at the Pulse Nightclub on “Latin Night.” Always remember and keep dancing. Thanks so much to Voluble and Sara Fowler for doing this project.
Ellen Kraut-Hasegawa and I made this video as part of the Voluble Orlando project responding to the Orlando Pulse Shooting. On June 12, 2016. A single shooter killed 49 people and injured 58 others at the Pulse Nightclub on “Latin Night.” Always remember and keep dancing. Thanks so much to Voluble and Sara Fowler for doing this project.